Scars That Others Can't See
Somewhere in the relationship we give people permission to abuse us. (Before you clutch your pearls; let me explain). How we respond or the lack of response sends a message. If we set a boundary or boundaries that we allow people to consistently violate without consequence we send a message; if we do not set a boundary or boundaries we also send a message. The reality is relationships are where boundaries have the propensity to be violated the most, and our response or lack thereof when it happens sends a message. It is true especially in relationships, that if we do not teach people how to treat us; they will try us how they feel we need to be treated. So, glad you are back with me! So, I'll say it again, "somewhere in the relationship we give people permission to abuse us". If they aren't doing it physically; they do it verbally, mentally, and emotionally. And with each attack we try to fight, yell scream, climb from up under the "sunken" place that we fall deeper into with every verbal, mental, emotional, and/or physical violation. Abuse of any kind makes you question your own integrity. You find yourself begging for heart space that love defined says is yours whether you ask for it or not. You find yourself spinning inside of a revolving door of dysfunction, manipulation, deception; desperately looking for the emergency stop button so that you can get off. Physical abuse is just that; physical abuse. It causes harm to your external extremities and sometimes internal organs. Physical abuse also leaves scars, scrapes, bruises. So, I am not addressing that type of abuse in this article. However, I will say, if you are a victim of this type of abuse; SEEK HELP QUICKLY!!
All Abuse is NOT Physical Psychological Abuse IS A "THING" Mental, emotional, verbal abuse Cloud your judgement and leave scars on your heart that aren't immediately noticeable to others. Psychological abuse can start out as subtle; but can quickly evolve into life altering interactions that induce anxiety, chronic depression, and/or post-traumatic stress disorder. Signs of mental, emotional, and verbal abuse:
Minimizing or dismissing your feelings
Making their mistakes or bad decisions somehow your fault
Failing to take ownership when they've caused pain to someone else (these are patterns)
Manipulating conversations or interactions in their favor (making you feel like you didn't see or hear what you saw or heard)
Making you feel as though you are the "Debbie downer" of the relationship if you bring something to their attention that questions their integrity
Making statements like: "that's dumb", "You're so stupid", "why would you think that? You're crazy", "nobody will believe anything negative you have to say about me because to everyone else the relationship looks perfect"
Utilizing sensitive information (about hurts in past relationship both family and intimate partners) shared in moments of vulnerability during an argument as a mode of solidifying current treatment
Internal Symptoms:
Replaying scenarios in your mind where you try to figure out what you did to warrant such responses
Beginning to take ownership of emotional aspects of the relationship that are not your responsibility
The diminishing of Self-confidence
An increase in fear of response or retaliation; so when things warrant addressing; you choose to remain silent and implode
Depression or Depressive Symptoms (fatigue, uncontrollable crying, anger, excessive sleeping or insomnia, weight gain/weight loss, restlessness, anxiousness, nervous stomach, etc)
Unwarranted Anger Outburst Towards others
Isolation
Digging yourself out of the "sunken" place of abuse:
1. No longer minimize the health of the relationship and the space it is in
2. Begin to separate the plates ( you only have room in your stomach for what belongs to you)
3. If you are married; I encourage exploring counseling options. Maybe begin with individual therapy for yourself and encourage your spouse to do the same. Then, locate a couples counselor based on your needs (provided the other party is willing) 4. If you are dating; It's OK to bring the relationship to a complete STOP! If you are seriously dating with the idea of marriage; I encourage exploring counseling options so that "heart root" issues can be effectively addressed before making a lifetime commitment. You may become healthy and realize the relationship is not what you wanted or needed anyway; your unidentified brokenness; those "relationship deficits" made the selection for you) This is not to be used as a reference to gender bash; but a reference that brings awareness. It is my hope that this article prompts you to look at the warning signs within the relationship and relationship interactions that are or could be negatively impacting you from all sides. Sometimes it's hard to tell that you've been injured in the relationship because eighty percent of the time the relationship may present as "good"; but you notice that during arguments the "heart eyed emoji" disappears and you walk away from the argument feeling like you've been injured; empty, rejected; dismissed; abused; and misunderstood. It's those scars that are subtle and happen over time; those scars are often ignored or minimized; those are the scars that others can't see! Here's the truth; if it's present; it's present! Don't ignore the signs, address them!
