Grief Uncovered
I can recall the day that my life changed forever. It was the first day of my clinical internship with a prominent not-for-profit agency located in the Montrose area of Houston, Texas. Initially, I wasn't so sure that I had made the right decision; but as I accepted the role as facilitator of this particular psycho-educational/processing group; I became more aware that I had indeed made the right decision. I found myself thinking that I'd been sent to this program to help them get their life together; unbeknownst to me, the journey to freedom that the clients were taking would help me put legs to much of my own pain. The group's processing focus was Grief! Go figure! You may be thinking, "why in the world would someone who had a dual diagnosis need to sit in a grief group week after week; what does grief have to do with anything?" Glad you asked.
Grief has EVERYTHING to do with EVERYTHING! As I facilitated that group I had the privilege of journeying with hundreds of women over the course of a couple of years, week in and week out through the pains and traumas that led them to active addictions and exacerbated various mental health diagnoses; and as they faced their losses at each phase of life; they were able to find new freedoms, renewed hopes, and most of all through their processing journey they were introduced to new and improved versions of themselves. They came to know themselves as; whole; triumphant; resilient, BETTER. By mobilizing through the grief process; they discovered that letting go was far more effective than holding on. They realized that they had to process and let go of what was so that they were free to embrace the present. That was the beginning of my interest for grief and the grieving process. I'm telling you, it’s like an entire healing heaven opened right up! Seriously, everything made sense! All of the pain, the suppression, the confusion, the lack of resolve, the feeling of being stuck in repetitive life cycles made sense.
As I watched these small changes have major impact; I too experienced my own transformation and freedom. I found the courage to look my own pains and traumas in the face, realizing that for me processing through and letting go was far more effective than holding on. Listen, when I looked at my life, holding on to the trauma and the pain was not at all beneficial to me. Simply put, the understanding of grief and its multi-faceted nature revolutionized the way I see life's transitions and the way I engage clients as a helping professional. Understanding what grief is not lays a solid foundation to embracing what grief is. Here are some of the common misconceptions about grief and the grieving process:
1. Grief is limited to the loss of a person: That is far from true. We grieve anything that we have grown an attachment to. This includes tangible life events and intangibles. For example, loss of trust, loss of approval, loss of safety, etc. Anytime you have to come to terms that something has changed, and will never be the same there is a grief process attached. The Grief Recovery Method provides a pretty solid list of over 40 life events and intangibles that are grieved.
2. I have to be strong for my family: When I get calls from people who are experiencing loss; this is one of the first things they say. "I have to be strong for everyone else". My response is, "who told you that?" Absolutely not! The best thing that we can do for family and friends during times of loss is give ourselves, our family, and friends permission to be human. We are not robots. We are people who experience real thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Although uncomfortable at times, we were made to feel, be present with those feelings.
3. Grief Is Grief. Everyone grieves the same: While it is true that grief is universally defined as the normal and natural reaction to loss or change of any kind; the experience of grief and the grieving process is unique to the individual. For example, you can have 4 siblings who have just experienced the loss of the same parent. Although the event is the same; how they experience it and respond to it may vary greatly.
The bottom line is this; loss and grief are inevitable, how we maximize the process
that accompanies loss and grief can change our paradigm and ultimately our lives. Becoming an active participant in our grief process can not only bring freedom; but can also introduce us to the Best Version of Ourselves!
